There has been a big parenting movement recently (or at least since I’ve been a mum) to always steer compliments AWAY from the realms of aesthetics.
The words ‘pretty’ and ‘beautiful’ were, for want of a better word, cancelled, and in their place… the likes of ‘strong’ ‘kind’ ‘creative’ and ‘thoughtful’ gained new-found popularity.
Initially, I appreciated the sentiment (and science) of cultivating in children, a sense of worth and value that isn’t attached to image, so much as it is talents and qualities.
However, the other day, I happened across a story which changed my mind almost completely.
This cautionary tale, written by a fellow mother and posted on social media, detailed a potentially major pitfall in the ‘strong-not-pretty’ praise paradigm - the same framework that is now trusted by the parenting masses, as an antidote to the body confidence issues which defined the average adolescent experience of those growing up in 90s and early noughties.
In this refreshingly honest account, the mother was regaling how her daughter had approached her, circa age 12, and asked if she thought she was pretty. The mother, of course, answered immediately with a resounding ‘of course,’ to which the daughter had then responded ‘but you’ve never told me I am?’
It was apparent in that moment, that eliminating all forms of image-based affirmation from the confidence-instilling equation, had not been the silver bullet for self-esteem it was purported to be.
Reading this story, made me immediately annoyed with all the ‘parenting experts’ who’d suggested I shouldn’t tell my 6 year old she is beautiful, or my 8 year old that he is handsome.
Even more so, I was annoyed with myself for lapping up this tripe, as we social-media users so often do when the ‘advice’ in question plays to our fears and vulnerabilities as mothers.
As if this story wasn’t persuasion enough, to re-embrace physical compliments as part of holistic approach to bolstering our children’s self-esteem, then an interview carried out with the late Donald Sutherland (linked here) might surely also suffice.
I should point out here, that I still fully support the argument for giving more character- and skill-based praise. I just don’t believe anymore (if ever I did) that it should be at the expense of an ‘I love your outfit’ or an ‘ohhh, pretty hair!’
To not readily and regularly volunteer this validation, seems comparable to the grown-up scenario whereby you might get all dressed up, only for the big reveal to be met not with a ‘you look nice’ or even an approving glance…but instead some well-meaning, diplomatic incarnation of ‘you’re so strong and independent.’
It would suck, let’s be honest.
I’m now much more mindful of this, and am no longer second-guessing my instinct to tell my children how gorgeous, handsome and beautiful they are, every day of the week.
I tell them when they’re at their bed-headed and pyjama’d best, when they’re proudly parading around in their fancy party gear…and on every occasion in between.
This way, hopefully, not only will the words stand a better chance of sticking (something which is important, no-matter how much the modern narrative says otherwise) but more importantly, the ‘feeling’ of being pretty or handsome will become unconditional.
It will be impervious to aesthetics, and the ever-changing, evolving condition of human appearance.
It will not depend on certain clothes, style or presenting in a certain way.
Instead, it will become an entrenched belief, the likes of which could - at the very least - lessen the future margin for not feeling pretty, and all its potential emotional repercussions.
At the very best, it might even make a child more likely to play to their ‘clever’, ‘creative’ and ‘kind’ strengths, and find greater meaning in these preferred self-worth metrics, than they might have otherwise.
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